Calling In is Like Building a House: 6 Tips for Effective Conversations

In some situations, it’s important to call people out. Tactics like marching in protest, shutting down someone who’s being abusive, or shaming political leaders can be very useful, even necessary. But in other situations, calling out won’t just ruin your relationship with co-workers, friends, or family, it will also cement their views or even push them towards more extreme ones.

Calling out is pretty much always a miserable experience that closes off growth. So if we want to build something, we need to call each other in.

Unfortunately, calling someone in is long and difficult work. Even with training as a therapist, I still struggle with having these conversations! But I’ve also witnessed firsthand that they can be incredibly effective. They’re worth the effort. I’d even add that when we have the time and emotional energy, we have a responsibility to have these difficult discussions. Avoidance and calling people out are often the easy (even self righteous) options.

One metaphor that’s helped me, whether I’m discussing universal health care or a racist statement someone made, is imagining that persuading someone is like building a house for them to move into. Following this analogy, here are six tips to remember:

#1 - Build a foundation first

If you skip this step, you’ll create a flimsy structure that’s just going to collapse - likely with everyone in it. The house you’re building is your argument, the rational part. We all want to jump straight in and explain what the right thing to believe or do is, but we simply have to do the harder emotional work first.

Start by figuring out what the ground is like. Is it hard bedrock or loose sand? What are their beliefs and experiences like? What’s important to them in this discussion? Genuinely asking these kinds of questions is important both for #2 below, as well as the next part of the foundation.

After figuring out who you’re talking to, continue laying the foundation by creating some trust. Humans, whether on the left or right, are all social and emotional creatures. No one, not a single person out there, is ever going to accept criticism or change deeply held beliefs because of one conversation with a stranger, especially a stranger who doesn’t even seem to like them. Clearly explained evidence and reasoning will always collapse in on itself if it isn’t built on a foundation of empathy and connection.

#2 - You’re not living in it, they are

You may like big porches or maybe you prefer apartments? Does it have to be close to a school, church, or the beach? Most features, like bathrooms, windows, and a roof are universal. But many parts of our house are based on our personal preferences and needs. So when thinking about someone else’s house, our own situation ultimately doesn’t really matter.

So to start, don’t assume the other person will have the same preferences, ways of thinking, and other idiosyncrasies as you. In other words, the arguments that convinced you may not convince them. Work from their values and context. Use examples that resonate with their life, their communities. Try out their buzzwords. Basically, speak to what makes sense from their perspective and not yours. The anecdotes, values, jargon, and so on that build the house is more or less irrelevant. What matters is that the house gets built.

#3 - It doesn’t have to be a mansion

As the saying goes, “the perfect is the enemy of the good.” If someone’s homeless and all you can find at the end of the day is a small, leaking, roach infested apartment, what do you do? Do you let them sleep on the streets until you can find something you’d personally be comfortable in? Something more respectable and habitable that they deserve? Or do you help them move, celebrate it as a success, and then later when you can figure out what’s next?

When persuading others, think harm reduction. Don’t focus on where you’d like them to be eventually, even if it’s where they ‘should’ be. No one completely upends the worldview they’ve carried with them for years, likely decades, in one fell swoop. Even massive cathartic shifts in our beliefs only happen during long build ups and/or exceptionally intense moments. So unless the stars align, the person you’re talking to is only going to make small shifts in the short term. If all you can do is help them pause and question posting an offensive meme, but they laugh at joining your next protest, then take it! They’ll very likely never move into a mansion. But don’t let that stop you from helping them find better housing.

#4 - Rome wasn’t built in a day

Constructing a house takes a very, very long time. There are a million difficult steps that usually take months, if not years. Especially if we’re digging down into the muck to build a foundation first. Similarly, no one can shift another person’s worldview in just a few comments over social media, especially when it’s likely been in development for decades.

If you’re going to have these conversations at all, you’ll need to have patience. Figure out what the next step is and then aim for that. Maybe it’s only learning about their beliefs and values on a single issue? No change, just you learning. Maybe it’s getting them to agree to join a meeting or read a book with you? Maybe it’s simply for them to hear how you think about a topic? If your to-do list for a single conversation is “1) set the foundation; 2) build the entire house,” then you’ll fail to get anything done. Think about how many books, conversations, and other experiences it took for you to get to where you’re at now. Even if they’re starting from a completely empty plot of land, it’ll take them just as long to build something.

#5 - Build it together

No one likes an unsolicited handout. We all, rightfully, have our pride and are comfortable with what’s familiar. Only the most out-of-touch NGO or white savior would go into a poor community and build houses for people who aren’t asking for them and then get judgmental when they don’t move in with smile to our “obviously better” houses.

Similarly, no one wants to be lectured to, told they’re wrong, and that you have all the answers. Especially when they like their own answers. This will only make people defensive. Instead, connect, bring them in, and build a new house together. Start with issues they’re curious about or struggle with. Ask questions to help them come to their own conclusions. Approach the conversation as if both of you are figuring it out together (I’m sure you’re smart, but frankly I’d put money on you not being omniscient). Frame conclusions as following from things they already believe and value. Show empathy and not judgment for the problems and blind spots they have. That way, they’ll feel like it’s their house and not yours that they’re moving into, and they’ll actually want to move in.

#6 - Don’t destroy their old home before building a new one

If you focus on tearing down a house that’s familiar, and which they probably think is already good enough, then you should 100% expect they’ll fight you tooth and nail. No one wants to be homeless. No one is curious or grateful when all that’s on the table is loss and destruction.

Help them build a new home first. Show them the blue prints and what’s possible. Better yet, give them a tour of your home. Show them that it’s comfortable, the frame is sturdy, and the neighbors are nice. Focus primarily on why you personally think what you believe is right and why it’s good, especially from your personal experiences, instead of how what they believe is wrong and why it’s bad. After that, you can discuss how your home meets all their needs better than where they’re currently living. Only after their new place is ready to move into will anyone move out of their old home.