The Cornell 7 & A Call for “Nice Guys” to Step Up
It has been long overdue for “nice guys” to confront our brothers whose opportunism, entitlement, or even passivity in situations of sexual assault causes harm. And this doesn’t just apply to national headlining news, like the Cornell 7 and 50 other men in the group chat. Just because you haven’t been in a situation like that doesn’t mean you won’t witness similar behavior. So called “nice guys”, it’s time to actually step up and speak out!
Masculinity vs Patriarchy
Over 1 in 3 women are assaulted, but for most there is no headline, no national outrage. Yet we ask women to justify their anger and grief repeatedly. Meanwhile, men too often let our egos and avoidance get in the way of actually helping to dismantle the system. And this is important, because masculinity is not patriarchy, and true masculinity is calling out any sexually harmful behavior when we see it.
If you heard your White friend say a racial slur, you’d call them out right? It doesn’t matter that they didn’t personally create a society that prioritizes whiteness and suppresses POC. They have still benefitted from a society that puts them on a pedestal. And you wouldn’t tell a Black friend, “well they’ve never said that to me” if they told you someone called them the N-word, right? We understand that the trauma of this kind of language is generational, still makes an impact on people today and you ofcourse believe them.
The same applies here. Men have inherited this stigma and mistrust because we as a group are consistently and continuously sexually harming women. This means we have inherited the work of dismantling it, even if we would never hurt a woman in this way. And the work to dismantle it goes far beyond not being a perpetrator yourself. As men, a core part of masculinity is stepping up and using our strength. Patriarchy is when that strength is used by men coming together to have power over others, especially women, like the Cornell 7. And this is a problem with patriarchy, not masculinity. Healthy masculinity uses that strength for others who need it.
So if you want to be not just a “nice guy” but a genuinely “kind guy” that means we must call out inappropriate behavior, report sexual violence, and believe women when they share their stories. We need to seek enthusiastic consent, immediately move on if rejected, and not assume casual touches or comments are acceptable. This is the bare minimum, and every single guy in that 50 person thread who saw those messages failed and is responsible.
“Not All Men” Misses the Point
& the Present
Many women have not only inherited the trauma of being afraid if a man will make her feel powerless over her own body, but that no one will believe her if she chooses to report it. It is not enough to say ‘Well I would never rape someone’ or ‘I don’t hang out with guys like that’. Getting defensive and saying some version of “not all men” is the equivalent of saying “I have a black friend.” It misses the point of the victim in front of us and the systematic harm being regularly done. Instead, it reprioritizes the present focus to be about us. I talk a lot about the dangers of “the nice guy,” and this is by far one of the greatest.
There is no more skating by as the “nice guy”. It is time to be a strong, kind man who takes the mantle in situations of dismantling harm, especially groups of other men who use their strength for power over others weaker than them. We need to become enemies to the patriarchy by showing true masculinity and standing up for justice rather than passivity. We need to show our allegiance to opposing systems of harm and standing up for those being harmed. If you need help doing so please reach out.
